The Loneliness Paradox: How to Turn Solitude into a Positive Force for Self-Discovery

The Loneliness Paradox: How to Turn Solitude into a Positive Force for Self-Discovery

Hello, hello, and welcome to In The Rising Podcast. My name is Bettina and I am your host. This is the platform which I talk to you about living a life that is full of joy and excitement, adventure, oozing out of your comfort zone and being a hundred percent in your skin. And basically getting rid of that shame and blame and regret that so many of us can kind of be laid and down with over and over again.

So I was wondering what to talk about today, and it came to me while I was walking my little dogs and I was thinking about all the. Nerdy research I've done trying to get really comfortable because I haven't always been this way. And perhaps that's something similar to you. You know, as you get older, you accept more things about other people and you start to really accept things about yourself.

But in that process, you also learn from other people what self-acceptance looks like. And not just, you know, standing there confidently in body language, but what it looks like in their conversation, what it looks like in their beliefs, what it looks like with yes, how they move, and how they sit and how they stand.

You can see confidence and a sense of comfortable, a sense of comfort. You can see that on people just the same way you can tell that someone is uncomfortable and scared and fearful. So I started thinking about this research that I started to do, and it was not for any project outside of like podcasting or anything like that.

It was completely the Betina project. And I was at a low, low, low, low, low, low, low point. And I was just thinking, you know what? I've gotta figure this out. And I basically looked. For anyone that seemed like they had it together. And I'm gonna start off with, of course, Oprah. She had it together, but she had some struggles.

There was also Tony Robbins, you know, he's now a multi multimillionaire with, I don't know what 50 businesses, but a lot of what he talks about, Are not new topics. He, he puts them together and funnels them and presents them to certain people that he can resonate. But it's not necessarily new. But when I was learning from Tony listening to some of his morning motivations, cuz some mornings are kind of tough, right?

And he was talking about his mentor, he referenced him several, several times. And I realized in that moment that as big as Tony Robbins is, he has someone that he did look up to and there is still someone, that same person that he still looks up to, that he still kind of strives to be like. And I thought that's really, that's really amazing that he really attributes.

So much of his personal gain so far as you know, business sense, motivation, encouragement, finding, you know, resources, being resourceful. He attributes a lot of this to his mentor and as I kept going through other people, you know, for example, Maria Folio, she was talking about certain books that she read and certain.

Um, people that just, she's like, if they can do it, I know I can do this. You know, Gabby Bernstein, one of her, one of, I think one of her best books, cuz it was my favorite, is Spirit Junkie. And she really just talks about the book, of course, the Miracles. So, you know, all these people that I was looking for, for guidance had at some point looked for guidance from someone else or something else.

And that's, I believe, how we keep this cycle going. And they were kind of my gurus. And so I looked up guru. And Guru is actually a Sanskrit term for teacher or guide, expert or master of certain knowledge or in a certain field. And so any one of us can be a guru at any point in time. It, it involves what have we learned and with regards to self-care and appreciating your, your own journey.

You are eventually your own guru and you know yourself like I Bettina and the Guru and Betina. But I have pulled from many resources, so I have had a mentor basically. And it reminded me of this quote, which is attributed to Benjamin Franklin, and I did not do all the deep investigating, but it says this, and I quote, tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.

End quote. Bottom line is when you're involved, you are in a place where you can evolve and also ingest all this information to be able to kind of bake it like a recipe, you know, nice in the oven. Let's simmer on it a little bit, and then you are able to produce something out for the world. And that's a lot.

What having self-care and value is, is you're, you're taking this time for yourself, whether it's spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, so that what you can produce to the world or that comes out of you is just so much better, is at a higher level. And how do we do that then, you know, how do we find a mentor?

How do we find this kind of guru? And I have four things listed on my little paper here about what we can do to find that guru or find it for a match. And so number one is we need to associate in terms of values. You know, for example, what is our, our worldview? If your worldview is a hundred percent Democratic, a hundred percent, um, In the belief that you can only ever pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you never, ever get help, well then you're not gonna be either a great mentor or mentee for someone that's not in that world.

Um, if you are a person that does not believe in gender equality, well then you may not be a mentor for pretty much anybody but you, you know, you have to have some similar values and a similar worldview. You have to have that connection there. Having the value of getting out of your comfort zone is also important because that is somewhere where you need to be as the person going through it, as the mentee, because that's where growth happens.

You know, if you wanna build onto your house, you can go up, or you can go, you know, sideways, you can build outwards. But if you don't either go up a level or out a level, you're not growing your, your house won't get any bigger. Even if you wanna dig into it and dig a basement, you still have to go into something that is not already there.

That's how you grow. And so that is a value that you have to have with your mentor, and that's where your challenges will be. And, you know, in addition to these values that you have, you can also list them out. You know, there's community, uh, humor. If you're a person that is just super sarcastic and I've met people like that, they're just, you know, they, they don't even know that they're being sarcastic cuz that's how they were raised and that's just, there's always something out there.

Well, maybe you will fit better with someone who also shares your sense of humor that, that is important to you. There are people that do not have really a sense of humor, well then that sarcasm is not gonna work. You need to have, you know, your value of ambition. Authenticity, a love for learning, making money.

For some people that's a huge, huge value For other people, it isn't just the experience may be. All they value. For other people, they're like, that experience is really cool, but it better come with some dollar signs. You know, it better come with some green stuff. So it just is dependent on where you are with your own value set, and that will help you figure out who your mentor should be.

So number two is communication slash availability, so you can totally have a mentor. That you never talked to. And when I first heard that, I thought it was crazy. I'm like, why would you have a mentor that you can't talk to, but. There are just people I cannot, and I'll mention him because I talked about him earlier.

I cannot just call up Tony Robbins like I don't know the man. I am just another one of his fans out there in the world. I don't have that deeper connection, but that doesn't mean he doesn't say things that can impact me. It doesn't mean that there aren't things that he does with his philanthropy, how he will provide all these meals for people.

He still has an impact and an influence on me. So the communication in that instance is from him down to me, but I'm not able to check in. Does that make sense? Um, cuz he's not gonna follow up with me. But there may also be a need to have a mentor that you can check in maybe that is really important for you.

And then looking around in your circles. Who you have available to communicate with. Another thing I'm gonna say, um, that I laughed out loud when I read it, but it makes total sense. You don't have to have a mentor that's actually alive. I, you know, there are just certain people that have said things. And like Benjamin Franklin for example, that man is long gone.

But he said a lot of things that still resonate and have value because they're timeless. You know, you see this every once in a while on the. Plaques at Hobby Lobby. What Play-Doh said, or Socrates said, these people have been gone for many, many, many generations, but their value in their thought, their value to philosophy, their value to life is not gone.

And so what's wonderful about what some people have said or done is that it's everlasting. Or evergreen, as we call it nowadays, it's still here. It still has a lot of value, so having that ability to communicate may not be necessary, but just being open to the communication that's going towards you is real big.

So just as a recap, number one was having your values be in alignment, and number two is communication slash availability with your mentor. And number three is expectations. When you are looking to really develop yourself on any level, you know, self-development is not just. So Muu thing about spirituality, it is not just, well, how is my money situation gonna look better?

It is the entire person. So it is that wheel of life, you know, how are you parenting? How are you socializing? How is your emotional state? How is your physical state? How is your career? How's your character? Are you living in alignment with your own character? That's a good one. Intellectually, are you opening up?

See, there's so many different things. Where are you really wanting to develop alongside or underneath your mentor? Having that expectation is so important because what about if you have a mentor that loves to. Really focus on spiritual aspects of life, and you want to just get your finances. You're ready to invest, you're ready to just build up your portfolio, but you're trying to pick a mentor that's all about spirituality.

There may be a spiritual component to the financial aspect, but that's it. So having the expectations is important. Another thing that is really beneficial, Is that success leads crumbs, right? There's, there's strategies that, you know, you can have all these different successful people, but they're just some things that, they all do the same.

They tend to be driven, they tend to use their imagination, they tend to still have fear, but do things anyway, and they tend to kind of get stuck on idea and not let it go. And we can go on and on. But if you are looking for someone to help you get up there to what your goals are, then you need to have someone who's already shown they've been there.

And that is a nice way to have a more, a close relationship. So some people will say, you may benefit from a mentor like Tony Robbins, for example, that's way out there. Like, you know, that may be your long-term goal. But having someone closer to home be a short-term goal. Yeah. And a lot of that goes around with the expectation that your mentor can see what you cannot.

I have been told a time or two or five or 10 at least, you know, you're not ready for this, or, I can see you doing this, but I can't really see you doing that. You know, your, your talent is more an A and not an B. And it does not feel good, but it definitely, it definitely when it's said with of course, respect and love, but when it's said that way, then you can just tell that they're able to see something that may take you a lot longer to come up to the same conclusion.

Now. Yes, I have also heard of instances where people are told no by everyone and they still manage to do things. And there will always be a situation like that. If you know in your gut you can do it and your mentor says no, well then that goes back to alignment. That your, your values are not in the same place.

A person that's really aligned with you will still be able to decipher what is, what is ideal for you and what may take you longer to get to. And what I also think a mentor can do and what you should see, And I say should, because I'm gonna put it for myself. Could can be for other people, but for me, I think someone as a mentor should be able to create some boundaries for you.

And what I mean by that is you may very well have great ideas and you have 10 of them, 10 great ideas. You're excited, you're going for it, but you cannot split yourself up and do 10 things at a hundred percent. You just can't. So that mentor would then be able to say, okay, you know what? We're focusing on number one.

Number two through 10 are, are fantastic, but they're not today. In fact, they're not tomorrow. I'm not going to even address number two through 10. We are staying here and we are gonna work on that. We are gonna practice this. We're gonna stay in that state. And so I think there's some feedback again with respect and with love.

But having that better expectation I think will go a long way. So as a recap, number one about gurus and mentors is that you have your values in the same place, that you value the same thing. I think that's, I think that's number one, because without values, we should not, we don't connect with people when we don't value the same thing.

Number two is having communication and availability to. Have conversations and be able to build, build you up, and your job is to help them have feedback. And number three is expectations. Both parties need to know what they're getting into. And when you have a mentor, because you see something in them that you know you have, you have a little pilot light and they have the bonfire, you just wanna get to that place.

And it doesn't matter what, what avenue or what, what topic, even spiritually, you know, we have pastors on purpose. We have books and authors on purpose. We have all these cooking shows on purpose. You know, someone has already figured something out. And so having that sort of mentorship to help you grow helps you grow exponentially and helps you grow exponentially faster.

So it's always nice just to multiply your impact and multiply someone's impact on you. So thank you. Thank you for listening today. All of our time is precious and I appreciate all the minutes you've given me. And so if this is the kind of topic you like, I would appreciate if you subscribe or leave a review.

Reviews are actually the currency of podcasts When you leave, you know when you take a few extra seconds and leave any podcaster a review, you're really doing so much for them. So thank you in advance and thank you for listening, and I will see you guys next Tuesday!