(Step 4 of 7 in Mini Series) 7 Ways Self-Love looks: Setting Boundaries

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Hello and welcome to the In The Rising Podcast. This is the platform from which I talk to you about living a life without the captivity of guilt and regret, so that you can use your self-worth and self-love to live an empowered, independent, and free. My name is Bettina Brown, and I will start off by saying that I am not a licensed counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist, but I am a student of life and a healthcare professional who loves to research and have meaningful conversations about what makes us tick and what makes us want to feel alive and feel like we've lived our life to the.

So if this topic or similar topics are of interest to you, go ahead and subscribe and leave a review. I much appreciate it, and I also enjoy receiving feedback via email Bettina @in the rising.com, and that's also in the description box below. Right now, this is going to start episode eight. Apparently episode seven is like the marker where most people fall off.

So I'm excited. This is episode eight and you've been falling along since the beginning. Thank you. Thank you. And we're in a mini-series right now. And this is number four of what does self-love really look like? And number four is about establishing boundaries. To help you figure out like who you are as compared to someone else.

Now, boundaries has been something that has been talked about for a very long time. I more recently came across it in my life, but it didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Like it did, but it didn't, and, and basically boundaries are the beginning of one. And the end of something so that something else can begin.

So we think of boundaries typically in the format of a physical boundary between houses, boundaries between nations, but there are so many others including financial, spiritual, emotional. Boundaries that need to be set in place to help us identify who we are compared to someone else. And this helps us also take ownership over our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.

And when we are better able to identify what is ours, truly ours, then we can better identify what isn't. What's not your problem to deal with? And. It can be a little bit hard to figure this out. If you grew up in a household where your feelings were not really your feelings, you always had to behave a certain way, hug that relative that you don't like, make sure you say this.

Make sure you do that. Never honoring how you felt, never being allowed to speak up for yourself. And that's where the problem usually lies, regardless in our household, whether a single parent, double parent, or we had to move around a lot. Typically our inability to have a boundary developed somewhere in our childhood, and I love Dr.

Townson, Dr. Cloud, they are psychologists. Tend to have a view for more of a spiritual aspect, but they love to talk about boundaries. In fact, they have several books, Boundaries and Kids Boundaries in Marriage. One book ,Just Boundaries, and the same things kind of come up. And so that's where I'm gonna start off with some of these topics and, and label them as such.

And so the first thing they always talk about is responsibility and learning. Who is responsible for. In that ability to take responsibility, you have to stop being the victim or realize that the person who's trying to influence themselves on your boundary needs to stop playing the victim. When you have responsibility, you actually have the opportunity to gain some power.

Victims don't have power. That's just part of the term of victim is, is is literally someone. Who did not have the opportunity to defend themselves financially, emotionally, physically. So that is a powerless position. So having this ability to take responsibility for our own beliefs and actions is essential and vital.

And typically responsibility and anger go hand in hand when we feel that someone else is responsible for our day. For example, we've had a bad day at work. Our boss has done this and that, someone hasn't listened to us or we have been cut off in traffic. Something happens and we feel anger, frustration, and stress, and we get more upset, but we have not really taken responsibility for just our own actions.

We feel that we have been put upon by someone else, and I'm gonna. Talk about an illustration or a visual that helps set this really clear for me. It's not even mine, it's not even from RC Blake's, but he wasn't able to remember who he got this from. So I just wanna say the credit belongs to someone. I just don't know who that someone is.

But the, the illustration is so powerful that it, it makes the entire boundaries thing so much clearer. So we have to imagine. Three brand new newborn babies. They tend to be new, right? The newborns, three brand new little babies to the world. They don't really understand anything they're trying to get. A fix on what their environment is.

And so will one baby cries. And we, most of us know that when one baby cries long enough, the next one cries and then the next one. And what that is, is, is an emotional empathy that one child hurting, that one baby hurting, actually causes pain for the other ones. And so they will cry in conjunction with the first one because it's empathy, it's feeling.

And they have no power. They can only cry. And so that is an important thing to keep in mind as we shift to the next stage where they're now all three toddlers. Heavens for the place that they're in. So there's just three toddlers and one of the child children cries and another one comes over and hands that child a toy or a pacifier.

And the one that was initially crying stops crying. But the one that handed over the pacifier, for example, realizes that right now it has. Nothing to soothe itself. It helped solve someone else's problem, but it came at a lack for self. Does that sound familiar to anyone? And so these children get a little bit older.

That first one is crying again, and this time that second child walks over to the first child and takes that crying child over to the section of toys and says, here, you know, play with these toys as they've learned. You know, if I give you my toy, I'm always stuck without a toy. And then we move on to the last scenario.

Kids are just tiny bit older. That first kid cries again, and that second child is like, you know, I have given you my pacifier. I have walked you over to the toys. Like now you just need to handle your business. Like whatever is your problem, you need to handle your problem. Quit messing with my nursery experience.

And so with all of those example, It hit me like some of us when, when someone's hurt, we're hurting so much with them that we're no good to them and we're certainly not good to ourselves in that second, you know when, when we're handing over something else, someone needs money, we give them money, but then we're strapped for cash.

We give them the car keys, we need a ride, we hand them clothes off our back, the emotions and advice, and then we're stuck and drained and we have nothing left for ourselves or our family or our. And then that last point is when you just are really understanding what your responsibility is. Like I have given you the tools, but if you refuse to use those tools for your advantage, like I'm just gonna let you cry over there.

It's not my problem. It's not my job to fix you. It's not my job to help you fix your own problem. You have the tools. And that's a boundary, and it takes time. For some of us, it takes a long time. But you know, a lot of us don't ever reach that. We are always in that first one or second one, you know? But you're still having a lack.

You're still at the whim of someone else's feelings and behavior. I love that one. So first one was responsibility. Number two was freedom. Freedom to know that you have control over your own life, but you have no control over someone else's. And at first it seems counterintuitive, like how does that give me freedom when I don't have control over other people?

Why can manipulate them or I can force them to do something? Especially with kids like, you have to do your chores, you have to do this. Have you really a freedom of your own attitude in that moment? Do they really have a freedom to make choices and to then learn the consequences? Positive or negative?

Positive or negative consequences? Do they really have the freedom to learn that if they're being controlled? Number three is love and cloud and Townson really talk that true love can only exist within boundaries. And the love and how that looks and appears to everyone is different. Hence the five Love languages.

You know, affirmations, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, but even being in a place where you don't have self-worth, you're not able to identify what you need, like what is important to. And that's not even being in true love with yourself. You're, you're not able to then take that responsibility for yourself.

The fourth one is truth, and this one, this was hard for me to read when I was going through some of the books and listening to some of their YouTubes not being truthful to others. You know, we get that that's lying, but then there's this time, When you gotta be truthful to yourself and somehow our body always knows, like we can tell ourselves this is a great friendship and we know we're, we're giving someone else's taking, and we may defend that friendship.

Or in relationships we will defend a relationship. You know, sometimes almost to the death. No, it's fine, it's fine, but our body just know. Something is not right here and you can kind of lie to a lot of other people for some time, but your body will never allow you to lie to yourself. And so being in your own truth, whether it's accepted or loved or not, that is really one of the vital things to setting up a boundary that that truth belongs to you and not for someone else to dec.

The fifth one is self-control, and this one kind of, I think goes back to responsibility, but it also talks about our freedom. So by that, this is the illustration. When I know I don't like being yelled at and someone is yelling at me, if I tell that person. You need to stop yelling at me. You better not speak to me that way.

I am trying to exert control over someone else, and if they're angry, they're not gonna take very well to that. But if I tell that person when you yell at me or you continue on, I'm gonna walk away. I'm gonna move out, I'm gonna break up, I'm gonna do so. Then the control is completely in our hands, completely.

You have been told what I'm going to do, I don't have any control over your actions, but I'm telling you that those actions are gonna lead to this action for me. So I have gained some control, some self-control. I have gained responsibility of my own actions and my behaviors, my emotions I might have to deal with for a time.

But it really. Pull that all together. So when I thought about being compassionate and being loyal and still not feeling like you're appreciated, I thought about EOR from Winnie the Poo, and I don't know if you are all familiar with him, but he is the down, trodden, depressed. Gloomy donkey that tends to lose his tail.

But he's also characterized as being loyal and quiet and compassionate, and his friends appreciate that about him. But he can never see his compassion, his loyalty, and his ability to be there for his friends because he doesn't have the boundaries of knowing. I am smart. I am. A nice donkey. I am a sweet friend.

He can't distinguish that from his feelings, and so it doesn't matter how many times they give him an affirmation because he is never able to take control over his own feelings. He remains in his sad state. He remains that toddler who's crying inevitably can give to others. Toddler number two, but never stops giving to others, but always feels empty.

So the words that can help build up our, I guess boundaries are the words. No, no, I'm not willing to do that. No. I will not allow you to talk to me that. No, I will not go into financial debt to help you out at this moment. No, I'm not going to compromise my beliefs. So those are sort of words that. Allow you to stand strong.

And the big thing that you should be aware of as you stand in your boundaries is that you will have backlash, and you have to be prepared for this because the ones who most likely did not have any boundaries with you are going to be most offended and find the most problem with you. And it does not even matter on the nature of that relationship.

Backlash is a hundred percent going to happen. Coworkers, family, friends, kids, spouse. Any relationship, but knowing that those boundaries are going to give you a healthy life, one without regret, one without fear, one of just understanding love and the value of every minute, every breath that you take. That is not going to be given to you from someone else.

It has to be claimed by you. You're not taking it from something, you're just claiming it. That's what a boundary is, claiming your importance and your reason and permission to just be alive and to be happy. So ultimately, the more at peace you are and grounded. In you are. As you are in your boundaries, the more energy you're gonna have and the more you feel aligned with your own priorities and your own goals in life.

So thank you for listening. I really appreciate your time. As always, leave a review. You can either write words or leave those stars. I appreciate it. You can also drop a line by emailing me or you can follow me on Instagram. That is awesome. Now in the description bar. Thank you so much. You guys have a great day and let's keep building each other up!