step-5-of-7-self-love-mini-series-protect-yourself-from-unhealthy-relationships

Hello, welcome to the In The Rising Podcast. This is the platform from which I talk to you about living a life without the captivity of guilt and regret, so that you can use your self-worth to live an empowered, independent, and free life. Why? Because you know, there's a disconnect between where you are right now and the you, you were created to be.

Let's live life to the fullest. I am your host, Bettina Brown. And I will say today, like I say in every episode, that I am not a licensed counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist, but I am a student of life in a healthcare professional who loves to research and have in-depth conversations trying to figure out what makes us the way we.

So today is episode nine and we are in the mini-series of what does self-love look like, and today's topic is protecting yourself from people and situations that you know in your gut are unhealthy for you. So what does protection really? What does it look like? And so there are basically two sides to protection.

One. The first one is we instinctively know that protection involves the physical sense. So not being harmed,, not physically, not sexually harmed, but there's another way that is just as violent, but leaves no marks. And that is the realm of emotional and psychological violence and. Pretty often don't get the same sort of recognition because they are not so visible, but they are extremely hurtful to a person, and those bruises don't go away.

And so a lot of times people will say that, you know, I'd rather be physically hurt than emotionally hurt or mentally hurt because it just stays with you even if you're not actively thinking about it. Your patterns, your, your habits are now based out of those experiences. So in preparation of today's episode, I did my normal thinking.

What did I wanna mention? What did I wanna talk about? And a lot of my own experiences started to come up. So I do have a history of being in emotional and psychologically destructive relationships, and not just ones between romantic partners and I, but, regular relationships of what we think about platonic.

And those can be family, those can be coworkers. But I've had like that path in my life and as I was recounting circumstances to list them out, I began to feel this familiar chi chest pain, where my heart felt like it was having pain and it gripped me. And I knew just even thinking about. The experiences I had gone through that I was feeling the same pain physically.

Now just thinking about it as when I was physically and emotionally, psychologically going through it back then. So some of us gained a lot of weight with stress. Some of us lose a lot of weight. I looked extremely thin and I was withering. And none of it had to do with any physical change. It's just that I was emotionally and mentally hurt.

And so having said that, I'm now able to reflect and offer that to other people just as experiences because our experiences have that common link between all of us. And I did do, of course, my research self, I did do. Googling of, what some psychologists say, and I have those resources down below. I also have the book that I'm gonna talk about down below.

So sometimes things just come to you when they're supposed to so that you have something to offer someone else, right? Sometimes you go through things or things are presented to you, not because you need 'em, but because you need to have it and give it to somebody. So because this is a seven part miniseries, I decided to just pick seven topics.

And this list is by no means exhaustive. It is from Alice boys PhD and she talks about the signs of unhealthy relationships. And I picked out the ones I felt were like protective or they're lacked a protective mechanism. And so number one is that, You are not in a protected self, in a protected place when you cannot go to a specific person.

That should mean a lot for emotional support, your bad day, your fears, your insecurities. You, you can't trust this person with any of these things because you don't know how they're going to respond in that moment. And you don't know if they are just putting this into their files because they're gonna throw this back at you at some later.

To take your wrongs, experiences, your feelings, and throw them back at you in a way that is to belittle you is is an emotional lack of protection, and you should be able to go to someone with that. And if you can't, it's a sign. It's unhealthy. It's unhealthy for you, they, it's unhealthy for them. They may not see it as that, but it's definitely unhealthy for you as a person number.

This person seems to be trying to take center stage. With all the lights and the glamor of your life. And so they're cutting you off one by one of your support group, which can be friends, family, coworkers, the things that you used to do, whether it was, a Bible study, a crochet group, a writer's group, a book club, the gym.

They're just taking so much of your time that you are not able to interact with people in a healthy way, and so you are not able to distinguish the unhealthiness of this relationship. And tell, tell signs of a manipulator and abuser, but you're not protected. You're not protected emotionally or psychologically.

Number three is that you are told either in abstract or concrete ways, that you only have two reasons or three reasons for being around because you look good and because you make some money. Sometimes it can be for what you can give them. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Well, I don't think that I am Christie Brinkley by chance.

I am definitely not runway material, but I was always picked for my looks and not my physical looks, but how I looked to someone else. Like what did my credentials and what did my earning power give this other person, I've literally been told, you know, my money is my money and your money is my money, and I was.

What I mean, the flag went up, but it doesn't help if you have a red flag waving if you don't do anything about it. But when you see nothing but a sea of red flags, you're not in a protected safe relationship. Number four, you don't have a sense of security in your relationship, so this one is really huge.

You don't know where you. Ever in the morning, things are okay in the afternoon, oh, something happened. It can even, not even relate to you, but you don't ever know how this person's going to react, what this person's going to say. And I heard this song called Heartless. I think it's by Diplo. D I P L O and at some point in the song they announced that there was like a problem every day of the week.

Like Monday night I thought everything was all right. Tuesday night was just another fight and it goes on through all of the days of the week. And finally, you know, the singer says, I really should know this by now. And I remember laughing out loud the first time I heard that, cuz I was like, It was, it was the same thing.

And I'm not talking about even one relationship. It was just so many times over and over where it was coworker was a family member or relationships, you know, as a, as a romantic partner. It's just like there's always something. And I, it's another one. I love RC Blake's. You'll get to know that. And he is just like, there are just some people that are drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama.

And it's exhausting. That's not protect. You know, this is not a sitcom. This is not, I mean, you're not getting paid for this drama. This is you're paying. You're paying with your life and your quality of life and what you have to give to the world. You're giving to this drama. That's a sign if you don't know where you stand, whether they're in your presence or not.

Cuz some people, they literally forget about you. The moment you're not right in front of 'em. Like a peekaboo with a kid signs, this is not a safe place for you to. Number five, your successes are not celebrated. So even though this sounds counterintuitive with number three, when your looks and your achievements look good for someone else, that's only for them, but you are never allowed to really feel good about what you've done.

You're not allowed to be happy. You're not allowed to celebrate your wins the good times, and you're not allowed to feel good the moment you share something that is wonderful, it's followed up with, yeah, well, this is what happened in my life. Yeah, well, while you're celebrating this is what's going on.

Other people are having a bad day. Yeah. Well, I know that happened, but it's just because you've had. All the support that I never had, like you could just never have a moment to you. And you know what? Every single one of us deserves a moment. It's not, it's not optional. We all deserve to have those moments when we can be just celebrated and where we can celebrate ourselves.

Number six is when they joke about leaving. There's never any joke about that. Usually they've already left you in some aspect, but they are always telling you that, you know what? I can just push you right outta my life and never look back. So that you are afraid that you can be in fear of what your life will be like without them.

Well, if, if I'm gone, how are you gonna do this? Well, I'm the only one that's gonna put up with your nonsense. I'm the only one that would've stepped up to the plate. I'm the only one that would be with you in. That is such a lie. That is such a lie. Don't believe it. And even if you do believe it, have that mental place where you're like, no, no, no.

I, I was, I was here long before you. I will be here long after you. With or without someone else, you know, some people you can't replace, then that's family members. You know, you have a fallout with a cousin, well, you can't replace 'em with another cousin, but you don't need any of that in your life ever.

If they can joke about leaving, they've already left and they're just doing it to hurt you. Does that sound safe? Sure doesn't feel safe. And so number. Kind of ties in. You're constantly told how lucky you are to have them in your life. They don't want that. You feel power, that you feel strength outside of this relationship ever.

And that's not it. We are really meant whether it's, again, it doesn't matter what kind of of relationship it is, we are truly. To have relationships where we are two whole individual people that can come together to have a good time and do life together. You know, various degrees. There are definitely acquaintances and then there are deeper people, but that's what it's meant to be.

Two whole people coming together to build a strong unit. And that cannot be a strong unit and have a strong foundation in that friendship if it is cracked by one person putting down another. So just in recap. I'm gonna go backwards this time. It's good for the brain. Gotta keep the brain stimulated and not do the same thing.

So number seven is that you are constantly told how lucky you are to have them in your life. Number six is they always joke about leaving you. Number five, your successes are never truly celebrated. Number four is you do not have a sense of security in your relat. Number three, you are told or implied that your being around is only because of your physical looks or what you look to bring to the table.

Number two, that you are being cut off from other people in your social circles so that this person is the center of your life. And number one is that you cannot depend on this person for any emotional.

I have heard a lot of people say, and I have heard it come out of my own lips. Well, I'm just such a giving person that, you know, if you throw these things at me, I'm just a giver. I just wanna give. That's what makes me tick. And my question is, and it was a question to myself, at what point am I giving up my life For what for.

It goes back to that you should not set yourself on fire to be a light for someone else because your flame will go out and that person's gonna move on. And there you are, just dusty ashes. They're still fine. And the last comment I have is from that book Give and Take that having the description box below.

Again, describing givers and takers in the workplace. But I feel that a lot of this can apply to personal relationships as. And he mentions givers as, as two subgroups, the selfish givers and the selfless givers. And that took me a moment. I was like, what's a selfish giver? But the more research that they do on people who love to give, love to volunteer, who always want to be the one to give, that they're two kinds and one gets burned out, burn.

Crispy, completely tired, fed up, angry, resentful, and then there's the other giver that just seems to give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, and is just happy. And they give to workplace relationships, however, but they're always in a good place. What they're giving and what they have found is that when you know that you're just that type of person, it's how you're made.

You're a giving person. If you only give and never get the satisfaction. Of knowing you were able to make a difference in someone's life, you will get burned out. So if you're in a relationship where there's no protection and you are giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, you will get burnt out. That is when you look in the mirror and you're like, what happened to me?

I don't even look the same way. I've gained 50 pounds. I've lost 50 pounds. My hair is falling out, my hair's thinning, my skin's not the same. I have crevices in my face from frowning and from holding back tears. Then you're that kind of giver that is so selfless. You're gonna poof, you're gonna poof.

There's gonna be nothing left. So giving to your relationships is wonderful. Giving period is wonderful, but if there is not some sense of security and protection and value to you in your time, it's not gonna help you. And this is just another way that you express love to yourself with what kind of space and place you're gonna stay in.

I've all been there. I lie, some of us have not. Many of us have been there. And you know what? That's part of your experience. That means you have that experience to share with someone else. Some of us have many experiences to share with other people, but it all stems back to that the person themself who was being hurt, manipulated, physically abused, emotionally abused, all these triggers, traumas, all of that, interlinks to that.

There's just no sense of self. No self-worth, no self-love, and when you have that, you just don't put up with these things. You just don't. So perhaps this is the first show you've ever listened to, or if I'm blessed that you've listened to several episodes, I ask you this. If you found this topic today truly beneficial to you, if it's opened your mind, perhaps introduced you to new ideas or gave a boost to your day, please forward the link of the show to someone that you know would benefit from this.

But only if you feel this actually helped. Or changed your day or your life because perhaps this will open up a door for someone else in the future. And I feel that is our moral obligation. So I enjoy receiving feedback via email and I lie not, and Betina in the rising.com and that's in the description box.

And I really appreciate you guys. Let's build each other up!